Majority of the time, I can push the emptiness aside, bury it down, and get on with my day. Try as I may, day in and day out, I hide that dark piece inside for fear of what others will say and think. If their opinions were supportive and reassuring rather than harsh and judgmental, maybe I would reach out for help a bit more. So I do what I must, going through life on auto-pilot, taking care of what needs to be done, going with the flow of routines, and filling all the spaces in between with as many distractions as I can find. Once in awhile I find something that stirs me up inside but it only captures my attention for a short time before I inevitably give up.
I have my up and downs. It’s during those down times that the emptiness creeps in and leaves me with the feeling of being lost, hating my life, wondering why I was even born, and how I can possibly keep going on like this.
It started for me as a young child, feeling emotionally neglected and unloved. When I became a teenager, there was no one to look up to, no one to admire, and no one I could go to that would teach me life lessons I should have been learning at that delicate age. Without the proper guidance, I filled the emptiness by focusing on my friends, experimenting with drugs, running away from home, and avoiding all my problems. Eventually as I got older, I left all my jobs as soon as I became discontented, obsessively searched for ways to change everything about myself, and finally gave up everything about myself to please my partners.
This emptiness, this feeling of being utterly lost in the darkness; it consumes my whole being and just when I think I can’t handle it anymore, I let go; I give up; I stop trying to dig myself out. By doing this and allowing faith to take over for me, it permits me re-evaluate where I’m at and where I’m going.
The message I receive is always the same:
Amanda, you’re looking in the wrong place...AGAIN!!!
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters
compared to what lies within us.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Along the way some very wonderful things happened:
I got more involved with the Law of Attraction, found a support group on Facebook, and learned about the 11 forgotten laws.
I learned the benefit of taking a real gratitude journey with the Beautiful Happy Peaceful Facebook Page.
I built up a small library of self-help books and resources.
I created a support network of strong, independent, empowering women.
I tapped back into my creative side through writing and drawing.
I began a spiritual journey after reading The Celestine Prophecy and joining the support group.
I got the closest I’ve ever been to knowing my life purpose.
Come on, let’s jump!! As they say, “Let go, let God”.
“We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.” ~Tao saying
that holds whatever we want.” ~Tao saying
If you’re still with me here, you can safely make the assumption that I’ve filled my pot with a lot of negativity throughout my life. I’d say it’s just about time to empty that pot and start filling it with more positive things that make me happy, joyful, curious, interested, optimistic, and excited about life.
- Slow down, tune-in, and be present where it matters most; with my family. Especially with my children, to connect with them more by allowing them to lead, adapting to share moments, and adding new experiences and words. Always remember to “enjoy the little things in life, for one day, you’ll look back and realize they were the big things”. ~Robert Brault
- Be aware of my restlessness as a guide to judge if I have veered off my spiritual path. Stay conscious of my current life question and be open to synchronistic events to direct me.
- Find out who I really am, accept all the good and bad, be the real me as I truly am, and let my light shine. Then, explore why I am here on this Earth and what I have to offer in service to others.
- Be mindful of my feelings to find the pain I’m holding onto, heal myself through my inner child, and learn to love myself unconditionally so I can project that love into everything around me.
- Re-evaluate the story I tell myself and others. Let go of the victim mentality, take control of my reality, and get a deeper understanding of what 100% responsibility really means.
- Stay available to those that may need use of my talents. By helping others, I can help myself get out of the darkness and fill myself up with the joy of knowing that I am making a difference in someone’s life.
I don’t know if there is a quick fix to fill up the emptiness feeling inside with meaning and purpose. I know I wish there was, but I have come to find that for myself, it is all about the journey, taking one day at a time, and doing the best I can with what I have. When you reach the moment that you decide you are ready for a change, seek out guidance from those you trust, even a professional, if you need it. There is no shame in asking for help; the support will motivate you to keep going. Fill your life with positivity; search out groups or pages on Facebook that focus on encouraging others. Find out what works for you, what resources will benefit your growth, and what you can learn from others that speaks to your soul.
The road out of the darkness may seem long and hard but we can build ourselves a foundation to give us the strength to keep trudging along until we reach the light. It’ll be so worth it when we get there.